S is for Scrupulosity
You’ve probably heard the phrase “Catholic guilt.” It’s kind of engrained in society…how Catholicism makes you feel guilty for stuff and then you go to Confession to have your sins forgiven. Well, scrupulosity takes that to a whole new level. (And when you combine scrupulosity with Catholicism? Then the fun really begins.)
Scrupulosity is religious OCD. Basically, your OCD grabs onto your religion as a subject of obsession and compulsion. This may involve saying prayers over and over again, repeating rituals, poring over parts of a religious text to seek reassurance, having intrusive thoughts about religious figures or priests/nuns/etc, or worrying that you will go to hell.
Religion is such a huge part of life, and it’s deeply personal. That’s what makes this form of OCD so awful. Scrupulosity attacked something that had been critically important to me since I was a little kid, something that affected how I saw myself and the world. It’s not obsessing over a hair straightener being left plugged in. It’s obsessing over whether or not you, deep down, are actually an irredeemable person who’s going to hell. That leaves a mark on a person.
I’m going to be honest. Scrupulosity was the worst part of my OCD during my teenage and college years. Several years ago, it would have been impossible for me to write this, but I have worked extremely hard to overcome it. I tried to repress sexuality completely because the Catholic Church considers it a mortal sin. I went to Confession over and over because I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was a horrible person. And there are plenty of people on the Internet who will tell you exactly what a Christian should be (which is usually straight, celibate and “pure,” and adhering to gender roles).
I still believe in God. But my idea of him has changed. Now I know that he loves me just as I am and I don’t have to give up any part of myself to earn that love. Being gay is not a sin. God made me bisexual, and I think it’s cool that I can be attracted to all the people that he created. God created sexuality and it’s good for us to embrace that instead of trying to shut down that part of ourselves. I tried to ignore those feelings for years and it made me miserable, depressed, and self-loathing. Only when I accepted that part of myself could I start to become the person God actually wants me to be.
I believe things happen for a reason, and that the reason I went through this is so that I can help other people who are in my shoes. It is difficult to talk and write about, but that’s why I need to do it. I would have given anything to hear someone talk about this seven years ago. There’s this great quote from Isabel Allende that says “Write what should not be forgotten.” Well, this should not be forgotten. And I won’t let it.