The first panic attack I ever had was when I was 11 years old and saw a tarantula in person. My 5-year-old sister was all over the tarantula. As everyone in the animal class moved away from the tarantula, she volunteered to hold it in her itty-bitty hands. I, on the other hand, was out of the room before you could say “spider,” wondering why I was shaking and crying. Turns out that was my first, but not last, panic attack. Nor was it the last panic attack I would have because of a spider.
So I would be the LAST person to guess that one day I would welcome a pet jumping spider into my home. Not only that, but it would be my idea. What changed? A whole lot of therapy and work on my part to overcome my phobia and appreciate these cool little critters. Here’s what went down.
After my first panic attack, it would take a while before I was diagnosed with a variety of anxiety disorders. The important ones for this story are Generalized Anxiety Disorder, panic disorder, and phobias. Lots of people have phobias, and spiders are one of the most common ones. You probably know the word arachnophobia. Maybe you have it yourself. Mine was so bad that I couldn’t even look at a picture of a spider without freaking out. When I saw a spider in my room, I would scream, cry, and run away.
When I was 15 years old, I started seeing a therapist who worked with me on exposure therapy. This is a kind of therapy where you are gradually exposed to your fears in a safe environment until you react less to them. We worked on my phobias of wasps, needles, and spiders. For spiders, we started by looking at pictures of them from across the room, then closer-up, then watching videos of spiders. From then on, when I encountered a spider in real life, I still felt afraid, but no longer sprinted away in tears…which was huge progress.
Over the years, I continued to work on my fear of spiders by watching videos of tarantulas, and something weird started to happen. I stopped feeling so afraid and started thinking they were kind of cute. This was a years-long process. I am now 24 years old and just this month, I held a tarantula for the first time. It felt like coming full circle after my first-ever panic attack being caused by a tarantula. I am proud of overcoming my fear and delighted I had the opportunity to interact with one of these cool creatures.
It just so happened that the place where I met the tarantula, the Portland Insectarium, had jumping spiders for sale, and my husband and I fell in love with them. These spiders are so stinking cute with their enormous eyes and variety of colors. A few weeks later, we contacted a spider breeder (yes, this is a thing) to bring home our very own. We are now spider parents to a juvenile Regal Jumping Spider named Sabran. I can’t wait until she molts and gets bigger so that I can really interact with her.
The thing is, I’m still not cool with spiders in my shower. I like spiders to be in a controlled environment, not to make an appearance when I’m naked and unprepared. But this, I feel, is an understandable boundary to set. After all, I like puppies, but if one showed up unannounced in my house, I would be alarmed. Same goes for spiders.
So maybe I’m not 100% cured. But I’m better now. It feels good to overcome your fears. Since I’m an animal lover, it only makes sense for me to grow as a person and appreciate animals that once frightened me. After all, they’re all God’s creatures and are all special in their own ways, just like people.
I will be posting about Sabran on Instagram, but keeping it to a minimum because you follow me for books and crochet, not spiders. Mostly I wanted to share my experience with exposure therapy with you all, because there’s a lot of misinformation out there about this kind of therapy, and it changed my life drastically. Let’s hear it for good therapists.