Q is for Questioning/doubting everything
OCD is known in French as “la folie du doute,” which means “the doubting madness.” This is an awfully poetic way to describe the disorder, and quite accurate. It’s sometimes referred to as “the doubter’s disease,” because doubt and constant questioning are one of the hallmarks of the disorder. Let’s run through an example to give you an idea of how this works.
I straighten my hair before school, turn the straightener off, unplug it, and set it next to the sink. I go upstairs and get my bus pass so I can catch the bus. But wait, did I unplug the straightener? I always unplug it right after I’m done using it, so I’m sure I did. But I’m not really sure, so I may as well go check again. I check. It’s unplugged. Okay, now I can leave for the bus. I grab my backpack and open the door. Right as I step outside doubt hits me again. I know I double checked the straightener, but maybe that memory is actually from yesterday and I forgot to unplug it today. I’m going to be late, but I have to go check the straightener again, because what if the house burns down and it’s my fault? I go downstairs. It’s unplugged, just like I knew it was. This time I get halfway up the hill before the straightener doubt creeps into my mind again. I storm back into the house, take a picture of the straightener unplugged, and make it to the bus just in time. I always unplug it. But the doubt remains.
Contrary to what you might think, the solution is NOT to seek reassurance that you actually did the thing. It might offer temporary relief. But it will be fleeting. In the example, I reassured myself multiple times by going to look at the straightener. Every time, right after the reassurance, the doubt crept back in.
Tempting as it is, it’s harmful to ask somebody to check that the straightener is off. Every once in a while I revert back to this. But reassurance is toxic when it comes to OCD. Eventually, with too much reassurance, you might become reliant on it – and it’s a tough habit to break. Especially when the reassurance only lasts a moment each time…and the doubt always creeps back in.
Whether the doubt is about leaving something turned on/unlocked, or something mental like whether or not you’re a good person, OCD is all about questioning and doubting things. It can feel maddening. It can feel like you’re going crazy and can’t trust your own mind. But eventually, you will be able to trust your brain again. It just takes time.